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Post by Aerie on Apr 28, 2005 22:29:01 GMT -5
SOUTHERN MEDICAL TERMS
Benign........................What you be, after you be eight. Artery.........................The study of paintings. Bacteria......................Back door to cafeteria. Barium........................What doctors do when patients die. Caesarean Section.....A neighborhood in Rome. Colic............................A sheep dog. Coma..........................A punctuation mark. Dilate..........................To live long. Enema........................Not a friend. Fester.........................Quicker than someone else. Fibula..........................A small lie. Hangnail.....................What you hang your coat on. Impotent....................Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work. Morbid.........................A higher offer. Nitrates......................Cheaper than day rates. Node...........................I knew it. Outpatient..................A person who has fainted. Pap Smear..................A fatherhood test. Pelvis..........................Second cousin to Elvis. Recovery Room...........Place to do upholstery. Rectum.......................Pretty near killed him. Seizure.......................Roman emperor. Terminal Illness..........Getting sick at the airport. Tumor.........................One plus one more. Urine...........................Opposite of you're out.
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Post by englishrose on Apr 29, 2005 22:11:25 GMT -5
The Los Angeles Police Department
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are
the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit
into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and
mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not
exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it,
including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:
"Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!"
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Post by englishrose on May 5, 2005 17:55:55 GMT -5
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. `````````````````````````````````` "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
```````````` "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
````````````````````````````````````````````````` "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. ````````````````````````````````````````````` "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
````````````````````````````` "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president!" --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
``````````````````````` "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
```````````````````````````` "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
`````````````````````````````````` "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)
``````````````````` "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
`````````` "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca ``````````` "The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
```````````````````````````````````````````` "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
`````````````````` "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP (man, he's smart!)
```````````````` "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
`````````````````````` - "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Post by englishrose on May 8, 2005 19:10:26 GMT -5
One for the Aussies ;D
Australia - WE ARE ONE
We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occassional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand). Although we live in the best country in the world we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many states. First there's Victoria. Named after a Queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, where the chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold, wet, miserable and shockingly overpriced. Next there's NSW, the realm of the pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it! Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedo shorts up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate. Down South we have Tasmania, a State based on the rumour that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat, no matter how often they try. South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the State of innovation where you can effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a Queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel. Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last State to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in government and businesses. The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere. Although the Territory is centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest of us prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali. Then there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland as it is beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why He filled it with dickheads remains a mystery. Oh yes, there's Canberra. The less said the better. We, citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise, that we leap with joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officals tell us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck, gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in the Federal Parliament. Not that we're whinging, we leave that to our pommy immigrants. We want to make "No worries mate" our national phrase. "She'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who committed suicide)! We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's! winning. We're the best in the world at all sports that count - like cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, tastiest pies and the worst dressed Olympians in the Universe. Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards or cameras, but a chain that holds the pens to the desk. Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We might seem racist, closed minded, sports obsessed little people but at least we feel better for it. I am, we are, you are Australian! PS: We also shoot and eat the two animals featured on our National Crest. No other country has this distinction.
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Cate
Devoted Fan
Posts: 241
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Post by Cate on May 8, 2005 21:02:58 GMT -5
LMFAO! I'm about to send that to all my friends! What a gem!
Cate
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Post by englishrose on May 8, 2005 21:04:17 GMT -5
We aim to please
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Post by Rissa on May 9, 2005 2:56:14 GMT -5
One for the Aussies ;D Australia - WE ARE ONE LMAO Most of it is far too true... Especially the parts about South Australia, Tasmania, the Northern Territory, New South Wales, Queensland ,Canberra (Australian Capital Terriorty) and Western Australia. (Am I making it obvious which State i'm from LOL).
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Post by Aerie on May 16, 2005 22:53:38 GMT -5
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Post by dzero on May 17, 2005 20:57:49 GMT -5
See what happens when you put fruit on a cats head.
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Post by Aerie on May 17, 2005 23:43:44 GMT -5
OMG - What is that? I recognise the feet, the eyes and ears, but not that scraggly hair. That's the ugliest critter I've every seen. It's right out of DA season 2.
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Post by englishrose on May 18, 2005 18:36:59 GMT -5
State of Emergency
>John Howard, Prime Minister of Australia, is rudely awoken at 4am by >the telephone. "john, its the hilth munister here. Sorry to bother you >at this hour but there is an imergencee! I've just received word thet >the Durex fectory en Sydney has burned to the ground. It is istimated >thet the entire australian supply of condoms will be gone by the indof >the week." > >"Shuuuut" said the PM "the economy wull niver be able to cope with all >those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!" "We're going to hef to shup >some in from abroad... Britain?" > >"No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!" > >"What about new zealand?" > >"Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck. You call >helen - tell her we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and >eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the aussies really >are!!" > >john calls helen, who agrees to help the aussies out in their hour of >need. > >Three days later a van arrives in canberra-full of boxes. A delighted >john rushes out to open the boxes. he finds condoms; 10 inches long; 8 >inches thick, all coloured black and white. > >he then notices in small writing on each and every one......... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >MADE IN NEW ZEALAND- SIZE : SMALL
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Post by dzero on May 18, 2005 22:00:10 GMT -5
OMG - What is that? I recognise the feet, the eyes and ears, but not that scraggly hair. That's the ugliest critter I've every seen. It's right out of DA season 2. Well, obviously it's a cat who has had fruit put on it's head. ;D I have no idea what it actually is , but when you look at it it's one of those things that are sooooooo ugly that it becomes cute , then it just keeps on being so freaky it goes back to ugly .
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Post by englishrose on May 22, 2005 15:51:29 GMT -5
Two Al Qaeda veterans are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of unfermented goat's milk. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, he's a martyr."
"You must be so proud" says the other.
"This is my second son. He is a martyr also."
"A fine looking young man", replies his friend.
"And this is my third son. Like his brothers, he too is a martyr."
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second veteran says wistfully, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
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Post by englishrose on May 22, 2005 15:52:14 GMT -5
These are well worth the time they take to read ...
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now.
PeterMarshall was the host asking the questions, of course!
Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little head underwater long enough
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"? A.George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out
Q. When you pat a dog on it's head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh
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Cate
Devoted Fan
Posts: 241
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Post by Cate on May 26, 2005 2:55:34 GMT -5
Two Irish Jokes
*************
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad; the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Dermot and Tony, were sent for. Dermot went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Dermot said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over. Dermot looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange, so he brought Tony in to identify the body.
Tony looked at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Tony looked down and said "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "Well how can you tell?"
Well Paddy had two arseholes," said Tony.
What! He had two arseholes!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes."
*************
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again.
The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
*************
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