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Post by Aerie on Jul 9, 2005 14:32:35 GMT -5
Honest Mistake
A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.
He gave her that "who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!
Then, he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, but, MAYBE...during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college ... perhaps I DID father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college, and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No!" the woman said with a horrified look on her face, "I thought that I was your son's second-grade teacher."
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Post by dzero on Jul 10, 2005 18:19:21 GMT -5
The new Entertainment Weekly has an article on a comedian named Mitch Hedberg. Here are a couple of his jokes from the article.
“The thing that’s depressing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re fuckin relentless.”
“I haven’t slept for 10 days. Because that would be too long.”
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Post by englishrose on Jul 10, 2005 19:36:18 GMT -5
Notes For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
1. Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set.
2. A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, Night.
3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers.
4. I Just Got Lost In Thought, It Wasn't Familiar Territory.
5. 42.7 Percent Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.
6. 99 Percent Of Lawyers Give The Rest A Bad Name.
7. I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.
8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.
9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.
10. He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest.
11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.
12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese.
13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.
14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.
15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.
16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.
17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.
18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!
19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.
20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!
21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.
22. How Many Of You Believe In Psycho-kinesis? Raise My Hand.
23. Ok, So What's The Speed Of Dark?
24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?
25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously Overlooked Something.
26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.
27. Hard Work Pays Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.
28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory, Some Just Do Not Have Film.
29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?
30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?
31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.
32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?
33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.
34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.
35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?
36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering What Happened!
37. Just Remember - If The World Did Not Suck, We Would All Fall Off.
38. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear Bright Until You Hear Them Speak
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Post by dzero on Jul 16, 2005 22:35:14 GMT -5
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Post by englishrose on Jul 26, 2005 15:11:15 GMT -5
Qantas Airline
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely In their jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
+++
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
+++
P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
+++
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
+++
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
+++
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
+++
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.
+++
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for.
+++
P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
+++
P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.
+++
P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
+++
P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
+++
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
+++
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
+++
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.
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Post by dzero on Jul 26, 2005 15:32:46 GMT -5
;D ;D Those are pretty good.
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Post by englishrose on Jul 26, 2005 16:34:02 GMT -5
THE CLASSIC VERSION OF THIS FABLE - (THE ONE THAT > >MAKES SENSE TO US!) > > > > > >The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his > >house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's > >a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, > >the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or > >shelter, so he dies out in the cold. > > > > > > > >vs. > > > > > >THE NEW ZEALAND MODERN VERSION: > > > > > > > >The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his > >house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's > >a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, > >the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper calls a press > >conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm > >and well fed while others less fortunate like him are cold and starving. > > > > > > > >TVNZ shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, > >with > >cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table > >filled with food. Kiwis are stunned that in a country of such > >wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have > >plenty. The Green Party, Maori Party , the trade unions and the > >coalition Against Povertyand the usuall bunch of professional rioters > >demonstrate in front of the ant's house. > > > >TVNZ, interrupting an Iwi cultural festival special from a Northland > >Marae with > >breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome." > > > >Sue Bradford rants in an interview with Paul Holmes that the ant has > >gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate > >tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." In response to > >polls, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper > >Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The > >ant's taxes are reassessed and he is also fined for failing to hire > >grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and > >his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the > >government. The ant moves to Australia and starts a successful agribiz > >company. TVNZ later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the > >last of the ant's food though Spring is still months away, while the > >government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house > >crumbles around him because he hadn't maintained it. Inadequate > >government funding is blamed, Winston Peters is appointed to head a > >commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000. The grasshopper is > >soon dead of a drug overdose. The Auckland Herald blames it on obvious > >failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from > >social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of migrant > >spiders, praised by the government for enriching New Zealands > >multicultural > >diversity, who promptly start terrorizing the community.
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Post by englishrose on Aug 4, 2005 16:05:17 GMT -5
Irish Airways: >> > >> >As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard: >> > >> >PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how shart dat runway is? >> > >> >CO-PILOT - Yer nat kiddin, Paddy >> > >> >PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus! >> > >> >CO-PILOT - Yer nat kiddin, Paddy !! >> > >> >PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!! >> > >> >CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !! >> > >> >PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down!! >> > >> >CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !! >> > >> >PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy >> >Mudder a Gad !!! >> > >> >CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can. >> > >> >So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, >> >puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the >> >Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tyres >> >squealed,and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the >> >passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came >> >to a stop but a few metres from the end of the runway!!! >> > >> > >> >As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy >> >looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be De >> >shartist runway in de world!" >> > >> >Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how fooking wide it is?"
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Post by Reilynn on Aug 11, 2005 18:21:32 GMT -5
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in" 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 6. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy." 7. Don't use any punctuation marks 8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 9. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. 10. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". 11. Sing along at the opera. 12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 13. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. 14. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim. 15. When the money comes out the ATM, scream I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!" 16. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!" 17. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity... 18. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this. Why do I get the impression that some people are going to be very sorry that I found this??
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Post by Reilynn on Aug 11, 2005 18:31:26 GMT -5
Subject: Useful conflict resolution phrases 1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 13. No, my powers can only be used for good. 14. How about never? Is never good for you? 15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. 17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 20. Who me? I just wander from room to room. 21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! 22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. 17 is my personal favorite, but I work (or pretend to work) in technical support for the time being.
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Post by Reilynn on Aug 11, 2005 18:33:18 GMT -5
Did someone say technical support? A letter from a newlywed to Technical Support. it helps if you read it as if you were talking about versions of Computer Programs. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Sincerely, Desperate Reply: Dear Desperate: First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is in operating system. Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.Wav files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or re-install another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and hard drive performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9. Good luck, !!!
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Post by englishrose on Aug 22, 2005 14:43:14 GMT -5
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. > > For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." > > "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." > The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. > > "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." > > "Well, uh, I was thinkin perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. > > "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." > > "Well, uh, I was thinkin perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.After a while the girl spoke again. > > "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." > > The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time." > > "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation. > > "Aye," said the lad. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. > > "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
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Post by englishrose on Aug 25, 2005 22:12:44 GMT -5
Dumb & Dumber
ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that
you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half
dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the
counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was
the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items
and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up
one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and
placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over
for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to
me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I
don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the
things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her
floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as
to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they
kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have
replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my
car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have
a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I
asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car
keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
"Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long
walk."
FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One
day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of
typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary
told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of
paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home
was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of
repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I
asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the
"cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have
problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one
of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the
back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the
copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
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Post by Reilynn on Aug 30, 2005 20:15:49 GMT -5
Best Out of office replies - "the Best of Dilbert Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply: 1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. 2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management 4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. 5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. 6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over). 7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. 8: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. 9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages. 10: I've run away to join a different circus. AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE : 11: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.
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Post by englishrose on Sept 25, 2005 18:50:40 GMT -5
GOVERNMENT EMPLOYMENT
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years" The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round e exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that.
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