The Network Executive's Guide for Dummies

[Star]

I was writing a "letter to the editor" today and got somewhat carried away. Anyway it was suggested that I post this here - yes it's bitter but maybe it will give someone a smile as well!  

It's okay to repost this elsewhere but please give me credit for my work and put a link to this forum!  ;D

The Network Executives Guide to Alienating Viewers for Dummies
by Star24 ([e-mail])

Dateline: Los Angeles, June 4, 2002

Recent events in the world of television programming and scheduling have certainly provided an object lesson in how to go about canceling a television show.  The network that has so graciously given us this lesson is none other than Fox Broadcasting with their recent cancellation of the cult hit Dark Angel.
Read on and learn just how to disappoint and anger viewers, many to the point of vowing never to watch another show on your network again.

1. Take one breakout television series that in its first season became one of the rarely seen “appointment shows” garnering the loyalty of millions of viewers who created multiple internet websites, wrote thousands of “fan fictions” based on the show and made sure to be home on Tuesday nights at 9 PM, VCR’s primed and ready.  The show of course was James Cameron’s Dark Angel, the “King of the World’s” first foray into network television.  Set in a post apocalyptic 21st century America the show made a household name out of its star Jessica Alba and garnered numerous award nominations and awards in its first season.  Key to its success was the wide demographic range the show pulled in boasting fans ranging in age from early teens to 40’s and older, male and female alike. (Many of the females courtesy of Michael Weatherly, Alba’s hot co-star and by the end of season 1, fiancé). Dark Angel regularly won the coveted 18-49 demographic for Fox in its Tuesday night slot finishing its first season with a 6.6 overall rating.  (So what’s the deal you say? Fox renewed it and kept it where it was of course, knowing a winner when they saw one, right? Wrong.)

[Star]

2. Renew said show and as a reward for its performance switch its time slot to Friday night at 8 PM. (Huh? Isn’t that the death slot of television shows especially those hitting the demographic of 18-49? No matter.)

3. Change the complete tone of the show. Kill the sizzling chemistry between the two leads. The chemistry that pulled in and hooked millions of viewers who wanted to know what would happen with the on again off again romance between the lead characters, the genetically enhanced super soldier Max (Alba) and her paraplegic partner Logan (Weatherly). Introduce a deadly virus that prevents them from even touching and then write scripts that bore viewers by having the leads mope around and look at each other longingly rather than bantering back and forth and tantalizing viewers with the “will they/won’t they” of Season 1. Make sure to cut Weatherly’s screen time to next to nothing for the first half of the season, after all there aren’t any females tuning in to watch him. (Note sarcasm here)

4. Add some poorly conceived and executed “Transgenic monsters” of the week for the heroine to chase and kill. (Does this start to sound like Buffy anyone?) Forget about the broken world of season 1 and Logan’s crusade to fight corruption and injustice. Forget about the complex multi-faceted nemesis of Max from season 1, Donald Lydecker, who kept viewers guessing as to whose side he was really on. Add in a one-dimensional new villain whose idea of evil seems to be throwing temper tantrums. Forget about Max’s season 1 quest to find her missing brothers and sisters.  Add a few new characters for the purposes of eye candy and comic relief. Make sure said new characters are young and white and get rid of old characters of various ethnic persuasions thus adding to the new blandness of what was once a dark and edgy show.

5. Don’t promote the show and be sure to schedule numerous pre-emptions. Make sure viewers don’t know when or if it will be on. If you do promote it be sure to show promos of the T&A variety – that way you can turn off those viewers looking for substance rather than just some hot babe in leather.

[Star]

6. Watch as the ratings plummet and the show loses 40% of its fan base and do nothing to fix things. Finally at the last minute allow the creator James Cameron to come in and mastermind and direct the season finale. Said finale acting as a setup for a third season rather than resolving any of the open plot lines from season 1 or season 2. Watch and laugh as millions of fans who stuck it out through all of the garbage thrown at them in Season 2 become excited over the show once again.

7. Leak a series renewal order three days before upfronts. Laugh some more as fans rejoice and cast and crew get ready for a season 3 that,thanks to Jim Cameron, promises to restore the edginess and intrigue(Romantic and otherwise) of Season 1.

8. At the eleventh hour, less than 24 hours before the upfronts announce that the show is cancelled. Immediately release all cast members from their contracts and give the order to strike the sets within 3 days thus assuring no chance of moving the show anywhere else.

9. Make sure to replace the show with one whose filmed Pilot was so bad that the creator had to rewrite it in two days to try to get his show on the air. Cite costs as a reason forgetting the fact that the scrapped Pilot for the new show you are putting on has cost in the neighborhood of $10 million. Make sure one of your top programming executives is an executive producer on said replacement show thus raising questions of underlying motivations for the switch.

[Star]

10. When thousands, maybe millions, of understandably upset fans begin to email you set your email filters to reject said emails. Make sure the fans understand that you care nothing about them. Viewers are easy to come by, especially loyal viewers.  Know that of course those fans will rush to watch your next new show – after all it’s so rewarding for fans to dedicate 2 years to a show only to be dropped flat overnight without any resolution of the story you hooked them into.

Congratulations you’ve completed the course! Just follow the above steps and you too can destroy a promising show in one season or less.  As a bonus you get to anger lots of viewers many of whom will not watch your network again.  If you’re not sure of how to do any of the above just contact Fox Broadcasting programming executives – they can give you some pointers.

[Tweed Pants]

that was sooooooo good

one thing though

i would change 'paralyzed from the waist down partner' to 'paraplegic partner' if they dont understand then they are just as dumb as they act ;D

and for number 4 WORD GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[orchidee]

LOL !  ;D

i know u were "holding" ur *pen* though eh eh eh  ;D ;D ;D

[Star]

Thanks paige my mind blanked out on that one - it's fixed now!

Now frenchie why would I do that?  

[Tweed Pants]

no problemo - here to help

Frenchie stop being oh just stop being French lol - couldnt think of anything else so French will have to do

[Phoenix_Rain]

OMFBL!!!!!!!!! That is the best read I've had in months! ;D ;D ;D

[Forever_Eyes]

Luv it, Star!!  

This is important advice that should be sent to all broadcast networks so that they, too, can learn to be just like Fox.      

[Aerie]

This is perfectly written.  This may be your best work, Star. I did laugh in a few parts, but that was because it really hit the Fox-Gail Berman-spot.  ;D  

This needs to be sent to all the networks, Fox affiliates, media and everybody else.  

I'd like to send it to a couple of newspaper people and a few people I know in the business.  

With your permission, of course, Star.

[Star]

You have my permission aerie - I needed to blow off some steam after the wonderful response I got to my email from Fox today and this is the result.   ;D

Feel free to share this - as I said my only request is to give me credits when you do.

If you are serious about sending it to a news outlet you can email me if you need any more info.

[englishrose]

Loved the letter Star.  What's the use in being sweet and polite when these people are even rejecting the polite emails.

[mattjay]

hahahahah i loved that. who did you send it to again? they really need to read your guide. i hope no filter killed it. keep sending it to different people because thats really good.

[Akasha]

I just had to join after reading this very truthful article that you wrote. I applude you and will see that other Dark Angel Fans see this article you wrote. You hit the mark and conveyed my feeling perfectly! Thank you again for writing this!