JOKE THREAD - YUCK! YUCK! YUCK!

[Aerie]

A few one liners to start us off on the new thread.


I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is
gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show
you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it me -- or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?


And my favorite - ;D

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride
horses sidesaddle.

[dzero]

[dzero]

[Aerie]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why .'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your coat on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'

[dzero]

Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. How many can you afford?

Q. What do you get if you lock four lawyers in a closed room?
A. Five different legal opinions and a large bill.

[shywriter]

Aug 7, 2008 19:10:06 GMT -5 dzero said:

Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. How many can you afford?

Q. What do you get if you lock four lawyers in a closed room?
A. Five different legal opinions and a large bill.

( )

[dzero]

Aug 8, 2008 6:44:25 GMT -5 shywriter said:

Aug 7, 2008 19:10:06 GMT -5 dzero said:

Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. How many can you afford?

Q. What do you get if you lock four lawyers in a closed room?
A. Five different legal opinions and a large bill.

( )

I thought everyone enjoys a good lawyer joke.


dzero puts on his thinking cap trying to figure out who wouldn't laugh at a lawyer joke.



hmmmm give me a minute, this is gonna be a tough one

[shywriter]

Aug 8, 2008 11:05:57 GMT -5 dzero said:

hmmmm give me a minute, this is gonna be a tough one

(phew! Gonna have to change your name to Mr. Monk... )

[dzero]

[dzero]

[dzero]

….I saw where all the Wal-Marts in Alabama sold all the ammunition they had. When a local farmer was asked why, he replied, "Russia has invaded Georgia, but they sure as hell had better stay out of Alabama." -
DOYLE BRUNSON

[Aerie]

[Aerie]

[shywriter]

As topical as today's headlines... (sad to say):

Consider this ...

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

(Makes one proud to be an American!)

[dzero]

;D

Ok joking aside this may be a dumb question but are those numbers true?